You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
