I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
