ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
