I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
