peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
