i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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