The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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