every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
