there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.