gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.