When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban