Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?