I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
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We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
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Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again