Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
