He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
