Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
