Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How does it feel to date your dad?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
