He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
