im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize