How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
