I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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