I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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