Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
