a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
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