my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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