I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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