I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
