Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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