I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
