you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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