An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
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He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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