he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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