I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
