Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
