I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
