haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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