The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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