Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
