remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
