When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
