You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
