I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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