Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
