I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
