talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
