I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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