And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
