Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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