i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
there is glitter all over my balls
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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