I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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