I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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