My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
