also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
