The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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