I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
