This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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