Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
