I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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