Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
