I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
