Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
