you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
